Dear Vice President Cheney,
I am writing to you not as a political supporter (I live in California, after all), but to ask for your assistance in launching an eBay business which you so strongly touted in a recent campaign speech. Although I don’t believe the number of individuals (Americans, that is) earning a living entirely from eBay sales exceeds 10-20,000 with perhaps an additional equal number having jobs that focus on selling their company’s goods on the auction site, I am a believer that I can do this.
With your help, of course. Here’s my idea: in our current social environment celebrity is a massive attraction for many people, both here and in other countries. I would like to start a business auctioning off goods previously-owned celebrity items and since the demand is international, my business might even help improve, in a small way, the balance of payments deficit we have.
Where to get these items at a reasonable acquisition cost, that’s the rub. So I’m hoping you can provide them to me. Nothing that would cost you money out of your own pocket, certainly, but perhaps you can spend some of your down time or when pretending to listen in meetings autographing things. Pretty much anything will do, cabinet minutes, daily intelligence briefings, old Enron stock certificates (you have some of those lying around, I’m guessing, and if not Kenny Boy probably can send plenty over–if so, ask him to sign them first, that’ll boost the price a bit). Heck, print out some emails from Karl Rove and put your John Hancock on those, that’d be cool.
When possible, please have other high-ranking members of the Administration sign the papers too. I bet an intelligence briefing signed by you, Secretary Rumsfeld and Secretary Powell (talk about your triple plays!) would be a real Hot Seller on eBay!
Now don’t feel you’re limited to sending me government paper. I’m sure you have a few boxes filled with the two books you had a hand in writing in the mid ’90s, Professional Military Education: An Asset for Peace and Progress and Kings of the Hill: How Nine Powerful Men Changed the Course of American History, and your (and your co-author wife’s on the latter) autographs would be at the top of my inventory list. And flags. I’m sure you have access to good old American flags. Perhaps signing those is a bit unlawful, but send them here with a signed card attesting that you held it would be just fine.
In all, I don’t want to limit your thinking. You’ve shown a flair for creativity throughout your career and will surely do us both well in this situation too.
I do hope that you won’t let our political differences stand in the way of your assistance. Perhaps you’ll have more time for this venture after January, one can hope, and if you want to wait until then and make this a joint venture, that’s fine too.
Thanks in advance,
Bill
BillSaysThis 